My world turned dark this year; darker than any person could
have thought possible. And for what I have gone through in my life, I thought
the darkness had come and gone. I had my darkest moments, where only little
spurts of light cracked through. It is crazy to me, that a year ago this month,
I wrote about the curve balls that people face in their lives, and how
sometimes you just don’t get a home run. I never really understood how
someone’s life could be snatched from them in only a moment’s time, but it can,
and to me, it was the scariest thing that I could have thought possible.
The darkness is scary. It’s like the devil himself has his
claws wrapped specifically around your heart, and no matter how positive you
stay or how easy going you are, nothing makes it improve. The devil to me is
not some evil being that hides down in the underworld. It is the person in your
life that just seems to never go away. Never leaves your thoughts, never seems
to leave you an empty night of nightmares. It’s a person that seems so sweet,
and there for you. Really though, it is the person that sucks the life right
out of you, eats your soul from the inside out, tears your body apart emotionally
little by little so you would never guess they were evil. It’s like an
addiction. It seems so harmless at first. Something that can be handled,
controlled, bent to your will. Never truly understanding the potential risks it
could possibly make you endure… until it is too late.
Only one person truly got to see me in the darkness. She
held my hand. She guided me through the rocks in the darkness that I kept
tripping over. She is the one that kept making those cracks of light appear,
the one that kept my mind from shattering into the oblivion. No matter how many
times I swung the bat, hoping to hit that one home run, it never worked. It was
like my bat was made of glue, and anytime I was thrown a ball, it would attach
itself to my bat and weigh it down more, and more. This person is my person.
She is my person. She wiped the sheet of tears that laid across my face for
hours at a time this past year. She is the one that kept me going, kept me
hopeful, and reminded me of who I was, and how strong and independent of a woman
I knew I could be. She is beautiful, and I could never thank her enough.
Everyone has their own light, their own way of breaking free
of the darkness. Sometimes it’s as simple as just pushing forward and hoping
that it ends one way or another. Others need a specific moment to happen to
them, to help them realize there is more out there. For me, it was my angel of
light. This gift was sent to me years ago, back before the plague of events that
tainted my moments in time. Back when a simple smile from a friend was enough.
This angel has truly been my light in the darkness for so long, that when he
smiles at me, I instantly feel safe, and my bubble is no longer cold and
heartless. For a long time, he never understood how much he has saved my life
over the years. Even from the beginning of such an interesting friendship, he
has been my light in the darkness.
In June, when I thought the Devil had my heart so tightly in
his grasp, my angel of light came back into the picture. This moment of relief
was instant. The gratification that I felt was incredible. I was at work one
day, barely holding back the tears that kept sweeping across my face when I saw
his number calling me. Within seconds I was back to laughing and giggling, the
tears faded and I knew my day would be better. Then I just asked him a question
out of random, and he said yes, and five days later I am traveling across
states to see him.
Since that day my heart has not felt heavy. I have not
worried about where my life would have taken me. I have smiled and giggled and
looked forward to each day that comes. It was crazy… when I stepped out of the
car to see him for the first time in several months; it was intense, it was
perfect. It was like a gun was put right to the devil’s head himself and blown
away, leaving no trace behind. No intention of ever stepping foot back into my
soul again. The passion that I felt having his arms around me was sincere, it
was safe, and it was heaven.
Life is beautiful. It truly is. No one should have to depend
on another human being to keep their life happy and beautiful and full of
light, but damn… my angel of light could not have shown up at a better time to
put me back on my feet and standing tall. Best part of it all… he likes me
standing tall… as me.
