Light in the Darkness

              My world turned dark this year; darker than any person could have thought possible. And for what I have gone through in my life, I thought the darkness had come and gone. I had my darkest moments, where only little spurts of light cracked through. It is crazy to me, that a year ago this month, I wrote about the curve balls that people face in their lives, and how sometimes you just don’t get a home run. I never really understood how someone’s life could be snatched from them in only a moment’s time, but it can, and to me, it was the scariest thing that I could have thought possible. 

              The darkness is scary. It’s like the devil himself has his claws wrapped specifically around your heart, and no matter how positive you stay or how easy going you are, nothing makes it improve. The devil to me is not some evil being that hides down in the underworld. It is the person in your life that just seems to never go away. Never leaves your thoughts, never seems to leave you an empty night of nightmares. It’s a person that seems so sweet, and there for you. Really though, it is the person that sucks the life right out of you, eats your soul from the inside out, tears your body apart emotionally little by little so you would never guess they were evil. It’s like an addiction. It seems so harmless at first. Something that can be handled, controlled, bent to your will. Never truly understanding the potential risks it could possibly make you endure… until it is too late. 

              Only one person truly got to see me in the darkness. She held my hand. She guided me through the rocks in the darkness that I kept tripping over. She is the one that kept making those cracks of light appear, the one that kept my mind from shattering into the oblivion. No matter how many times I swung the bat, hoping to hit that one home run, it never worked. It was like my bat was made of glue, and anytime I was thrown a ball, it would attach itself to my bat and weigh it down more, and more. This person is my person. She is my person. She wiped the sheet of tears that laid across my face for hours at a time this past year. She is the one that kept me going, kept me hopeful, and reminded me of who I was, and how strong and independent of a woman I knew I could be. She is beautiful, and I could never thank her enough.

                Everyone has their own light, their own way of breaking free of the darkness. Sometimes it’s as simple as just pushing forward and hoping that it ends one way or another. Others need a specific moment to happen to them, to help them realize there is more out there. For me, it was my angel of light. This gift was sent to me years ago, back before the plague of events that tainted my moments in time. Back when a simple smile from a friend was enough. This angel has truly been my light in the darkness for so long, that when he smiles at me, I instantly feel safe, and my bubble is no longer cold and heartless. For a long time, he never understood how much he has saved my life over the years. Even from the beginning of such an interesting friendship, he has been my light in the darkness.

               In June, when I thought the Devil had my heart so tightly in his grasp, my angel of light came back into the picture. This moment of relief was instant. The gratification that I felt was incredible. I was at work one day, barely holding back the tears that kept sweeping across my face when I saw his number calling me. Within seconds I was back to laughing and giggling, the tears faded and I knew my day would be better. Then I just asked him a question out of random, and he said yes, and five days later I am traveling across states to see him.

               Since that day my heart has not felt heavy. I have not worried about where my life would have taken me. I have smiled and giggled and looked forward to each day that comes. It was crazy… when I stepped out of the car to see him for the first time in several months; it was intense, it was perfect. It was like a gun was put right to the devil’s head himself and blown away, leaving no trace behind. No intention of ever stepping foot back into my soul again. The passion that I felt having his arms around me was sincere, it was safe, and it was heaven. 

               Life is beautiful. It truly is. No one should have to depend on another human being to keep their life happy and beautiful and full of light, but damn… my angel of light could not have shown up at a better time to put me back on my feet and standing tall. Best part of it all… he likes me standing tall… as me. 

Curve balls

Life... throws you curve balls. At times, and on some occasions, the ball smacks the bat dead center, and you get a home run. The crowd cheers you on as you take off running. You feel proud of what you have accomplished as your foot hits each base. The sensation is immensely rewarding, and you can't wait to hit the next one! Then, your luck fails you, and a sigh comes across the field from your peers and family as they see you have failed. You feel down on your good fortune, but you pick up the bat and keep swinging until you hit another one. The game ends, and you have done nothing but strike out. The feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach tightens and you feel like a failure. For a while you feel bummed, and complain about what went wrong. The next game comes and it is okay, but not ecstatic, so your weeks outcome is a little better. After a while you notice a cycle in your game plan; you know that sometimes you are going to hit a home run, and other games you will strike out, but no matter what happens in the game, as long as you keep your head up, you will always get better.
Life... throws you curve balls. You are going to have your good days, and your bad days. You will have horrible moments and perfect moments, and sometimes you won’t want to pick the bat up and keep swinging. Life is constantly going to be throwing curve balls your way, and depending on how you react to it, is how it will make or break you. Life is worth living for every moment of it. Experiences are what make a person, especially the bad moments; at least I see it that way. I have grown so much from the bad days that I have had to overcome. People who have hurt me, things that have happened to me, are all things that I would never take back. I don’t regret how my life has come to be. I have learned from it. I have experienced things that one person should never have to endure in one life time and I am happy to have gone through it. There is still pain, and memories that flash before me that make me remember the bad days, but I take it with a grain of salt, because I love living.
I don’t dwell on the past; I spend my time getting excited for what is next in my life. What obstacle will I get to face next, who will I get to meet, who will I become friends with, what is still in store for me? Spending time thinking about what happened in the past is exhausting, and not worth it. I grow in my life, by what I have experience and learned.
I watched the opening episode to Lost when it first came out, when Kate was stitching up Jacks body. He tells her a story about when he was scared, he would count to five. Ever since I watched that episode the very first time, I took that in. Pain for me is one of the easiest things to let go of, because I know that it will only hurt for a second emotionally if I let it.
Life throws you curve balls, it’s what happens. It’s something that you are not in control of, but you are in control of how you handle the situation. And it is up to you whether you keep the bat swinging or not.

the fish tank

More like the fish in the sea... no, that seems too spread out. How about a fish tank... in a store... where there are so many fish that it looks like they don't have any room to breathe.. yes, I like that idea. The fish tank... also known as the mass amount of students in a college. A college that is huge but yet some how we pack ourselves in the hallways like sardines in a can.

This week is my first week of college at Utah State, and I feel like I am in a fish tank. I had a class with 1100 students yesterday and it was like being a sardine... sitting next to another sardine, who just happens to keep touching me because there is not enough room for either of us to move around without touching each other.

The world I grew up in had a bubble.... where the bubble extended to the tip of my fingers when I stood in a T position.... a bubble that wasn't suppose to get popped until I wanted it to....I feel violated.... My bubble has officially been popped. Of course the other sardine squished up next to me is not purposely violating my bubble, because he is probably thinking the same thing about me...maybe I popped his bubble too.

Getting use to the fish tank is not an easy task, and I feel as though fulfilling this task might make me crazy, but I believe in new beginnings, and college is that in deed.

To all of those fish in the tank or sardines in the can... sorry if I pop your bubble.

Today I Smile

Today I smile, probably for all the wrong reasons, but right now it's worth it for me to smile. I am not smiling because someone is making me happy, or because I just won the lottery. Not smiling because my house is clean, or my car... or my truck. In fact, I should be very upset about all the things I just mentioned above, because none of those things are true.

BUT, today I smile... because I just spent over 400 dollars to register my car and I am not even mad. I mean yes, again, I am smiling for the wrong reason today but I don't care, because I am happy with my life and how things are going right now. So I smile anyway.

Because today,

I am alive, and I have people who love me.
I have vehicles that function and a roof over my head.
In 1 Month from today I am going to be sitting at my best friends house in New York laughing the whole time.
I don't go hungry, and I am never too hot or cold.
I am finally becoming healthy and it feels good.
I have a job, and it helps pay the bills.
I have two living parents who I love so much


So I smile, and I appreciate what I have. I may be short 400 dollars now, but I smile anyway, because life moves on, and 400 hundred dollars that I just spent could someday save my life. So today I smile, and I will continue to smile until it hurts and I am to sore to smile any longer.

I am happy and life is good... so today, I smile.

Parents

My parents are crazy.............
................Which makes me crazier.
My parents are a handful..............
................Which makes me more of a handful.
My parents are loud.....................
................Which makes me louder.
My parents are strong..............
................Which makes me stronger.
My parents are smart............
....................Which gives me a chance to be smarter.
My parents are amazing............
................Which makes me lucky.
My parents are alive..........
................Which is a miracle.
My parent are my everything.........
................Which is why I love them.

Adult World

The adult world is...
.....................................Crazy.
Go go go.................................................................
....................... Organized.................................
........... Disorganized....................................................
............. Frantic....................................
Scary...........................................................
.............Awesome...................................................
Hard....................................................................
...................... Exciting.......................
....................Stressful ........

The adult world is hectic. The real adult world, not the world you see as soon as you turn 18, and you are still in high school. Not the world you see when you are still living at home with Mom and Dad whether you pay rent there or not. I mean the world that you don't expect until you get here.

As an adult I have learned a few things..
1. I don't know everything.
2. Speeding down the road, is no longer fun, it is scary and dangerous.
3. Walking alone at night is a step back from reality and time for yourself.
4. Friends really do come and go.
5. College IS better then high school.
6. Paying the bills every month is a hassle, and I understand the stress now.
7. Never having money, sucks.
8. Budgeting money really is a life saver.
9. Stuffed animals and big fluffy blankets are just in the way.
10. Family means so much more to me.
11. My parents really DO know what they are talking about.
12. The responsibility of owning a vehicle is not just wrecking it, there is way more.
13. I cannot rely on anyone but myself, when it comes to decisions.
14. There is more to life then guys.
15. People who don't love me, care for me, or treat me with respect don't matter.
16. Stress CAN be managed.
17. Everybody has a dark side.
18. I am the only one to blame for my mistakes.
19. The toys I want to buy are a hell of a lot more expensive.
20. Hating someone is a waste of time.

I have learned a lot more, but those are things that I tell myself quite often. When I was little, I always wished I was an adult, I wished that I was the grown up. I wished that I could make my own decisions, and I have. Only now, I can't blame someone else, or use another persons money. For me, this is just the beginning of another life. I had my child life, I had my teen life (which kinda sucked for a second), and now I am in my young adult life, and to me, it's a new beginning.

Decisions

Decisions have been made and I think talking about it will just upset me. So, I will write. I will write about decisions. Decisions that I make that will either make me, or break me. I try to never regret the decisions I make, because I made them for a reason to begin with. I know that sometimes my family doesn't agree with it, and sometimes friends don't agree with it either, but who would they be if they didn't voice their true opinions. Decisions are made every day that impact my life. I make them with purpose. This decision I have made recently is one of the decisions, that my family and friends might say, "hmmm, I think that was the wrong choice."

Talking right now is not something I can do, I don't want my opinion to change because of what someone else is thinking. I like how I think, and I like how I make my choices and I don't need someone else to voice my opinion for me. Even if they think I need to hear it.

I have been told my whole life, by the people who love me, to not make the same mistakes they did. To not get hurt like they did, to not get in debt like they have. If this was the case, I would go through life without making my own decisions, without having my own experiences, and who wants to go through life like that? Although I will take their advice in one way, by holding it hand in hand with my decisions, as I walk through life.

Decisions are what make you or break you, and I choose to have my decisions make me. So I take this decision with pride, like I have with my decisions in the past. Maybe this is my new beginning, mixed with an old fairytale, and right now that's all I can say.